I clench the jaw. Direct hit to the ego. I'm analyzing why am I having a reaction.
I made a decision to not invest into video games.
I'm afraid that he won't understand my decisions. That he won't accept them
. That he will think it's selfish and I don't want to spend money on him. There - that's what I'm reacting to. The fear of being perceived as either cheap, or unable to make a good living. Well, that's my fear, it's not gonna do any good if I react to the trigger. I just need to address the fear.
The decision of not having video games is not supported by my partner and that's affecting my stance. It becomes a lonely fight.
Once again I recognize that my son was born to challenge the depth of my integrity.
The concept is simple. I've experienced the mind-numbing effects of gaming first hand. I don't want that for myself or for my family. Especially at this vulnerable age.
I don't feel free to convey that to Yuri just yet. Blanket statements will be remembered and re-used to judge dad, cousins, friends, who do use games. So, without the key reason to not have the games at home, I become cheap and unloving in his eyes, or so I fear...
"You are so lucky you can play with expensive toys at daddy's. Good for you. Your daddy is awesome."
After some deliberation, he chooses direct approach.. "Mom, I wish I had XBox at home to play."
There. Now I start choosing every word. Truth, but careful.
- Sweety, I made a decision not to spend a lot of money on expensive toys. They don't benefit you much."
- But I really want to..
- The decision is made. What would you like to eat?
He was sad, but he took it. He knows how my "no" sounds.
Small win. Mostly internal. He may come back with request. He will definitely try to get me to compete with my ex-husband again. But my stance just got stronger.
The more you love your decisions the less you need others to approve of them.
So, you can count me out of this race, sweets...