Saturday, 27 December 2014

Slay the dragon to become the dragon

Another human being always has a projection inside of us. I have an internal image of my parents. They both exist as internal beings within me and are part of me. I come to realize that my children take similar roles in who I am. They uncover the parts within me that I think come from their personalities, but the reality is ... it's who I think they are.

I watch my daughter play with a baby doll. Amazing motherly instinct, combined with attempt to control another being for "the right reasons" of taking care of them. She is as fasinated with dressing her doll as I was when she would fall asleep in my arms. Yet, she force feeds the doll anything that she comes up as "the baby needs". I am seing my own controlling traits in my daughter's play. Or am I reading too much into it? Is it my internal projection of what is happening?

I am afraid of imposing rules on both of my kids because I know there will come a time when those rules will become their bondages. Or is it something they will need to concur on their own?
How do you build the rules for another human being? How do you teach them your own views on religion and life? I know they will absorb like a sponge. Yet I know that with my views I will create a dragon they will later have to slay.

My own views seem to be so complex and intertwined that they are very difficult to convey. But most of all, I don't think there is a single set of views that are correct. Take any teaching/ religion/ view, all have holes (something that just doesn't feel right). I know my own has holes. How do I dare to give them a view that I know has holes?

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

I gave birth to my heart. Twice.

He was my first. The little wrinkly strange and most beautiful human being I've ever seen. He took me out of myself and made me realize there is a world outside of me. And it's incomprehensibly beautiful, soft, and velvet to the touch. The colors changed. So did my body. In the ways that are hard to describe and seem to be endless. He was the game changer.

And then came she. She came out of me flying against the
forces of the gravity and landed in my heart. She made me realize the world inside me. Infinite, weird, unfamiliar and so beautiful. My body changed again, and so did my soul. And once again, in the ways that are impossible to describe and sometimes even acknowledge, and that seem to perpetuate into me still.

And now I have two mirrors running around the house, screaming at unbearable decibels. And it's my turn to show them the world.

School bus

My daughter's peak of the day may very well be seeing a school bus on the way to daycare. I wonder what it would be like to get surprised by everything I see. Wouldn't that make me energetic and happy? Every morning I am half alive until I get to work and make a halt on all activities to have a coffee. That is my reset button. The night may not have been very restful, the morning might have been hectic... But I am here now, alive, aware and present. The interesting part is, that which gives me tranquility in the morning makes me wired up later. I've been having reactions to coffee. Sad, but I have to give up the quantities in order to stay healthy.

I'm curious, when they grow up, will they be influenced by the way I control my nutrition? I would like them to know how to respect their own bodies. I would like them to learn how to distinguish what they think they want and be able to stop and really feel what they actually want. That's the difference between a gummy bear and food that nourishes and gives energy to play.

In the morning I make a stop to hug them. Even when we are all in the rush, I think to myself, what else do I live for? What if I miss this? Is getting to work on time more important then holding my kids and embracing them? They each take one of my knees and we do a triple hug. And then Alissa starts to fight for both knees and Yuri gets upset :) But that's expected.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Meditation of the imperfect

How do I find the strength to end my own agony
of wishing for more of perfect? Where do I seek the wisdom? 
How do I break my own cycle,  that I enjoy so masochistically.
There is a sweet pleasure in this self torture of setting
expectations so high - I want it all now. 

How do I start seeing the romance of losing the war of ego
and start enjoying the grapes that I forgot to get at Longos and the spills
of food and the cranky baby that won't be content for more than 2.5 min in a row
and the dog trying to get children's food and the last fork in the sink after I've
cleaned up 5 or some insane number of times and the back pain that strikes
just when the kids are down and I have time to do stuff. ... and oh too
many imperfections of life that make every day seem like a constant
barrage of tiny problems that make me feel like in order to
survive I have to jump through hoop and over a barrier
and then again all day long.
How do I make myself find a beauty in all this?
Is it me being hormonal? I'm so tired of that excuse.
How do I prolong the mediation so that the world don't start
spinning crazy as soon as I open my eyes?

Written truth.

A truth that is verbal will never be perceived the same way as a written word.  Somehow,  The mere fact of putting a word down in the paper gives it weight. A reader automatically perceives it to be more valid. It's less personal,  less emotional. A statement on paper is physical and most of the time perceived truthful without evidence. Physiological glitch.
Years of experience,  research, practical application won't stand the test of the ear. An article describing passing sensations will be taken as a fact.
Texting goes deeper into our psyche. It is perceived with a different sensory system. The system that perceives the truth. We perceive texting as more truthful than direct verbal communication. That's a pretty neat trick.
So,  I'm writing. I'm putting my truth down. Hopefully they will read it when they grow up.  Hopefully they will get it. Hopefully it will help them become better.
Otherwise, what's a point of putting anything down?

Monday, 7 April 2014

What do you love about love

To all moms...

You know that feeling of your child clinging to your knee for security? You feel her need for you.
Feels good to be someone's everything. Someone's protector. Someone's love.
Or does it?

I know it gives me chills.
It's a direct stroke to my ego. Feels unreal. All that? To me?
I know why it feels unreal. Because it isn't.
Not only you cannot be someone's everything, you shouldn't be.
I'm not saying to push your child away what she hugs you.
I'm saying take it as a sign to work on building her self esteem and self love.
Give your unconditional, but make sure she has some of her own.

Being mom isn't about getting the bonuses (the "mommy, you're the best"s, the hugs, the kisses and those you-are-my-everything-clings). It's about giving the bonuses.
Everything you've got and more. And knowing it most likely won't come back. Well, at least not to you. Sad, but mother's love is a one way street. The bonus you'll get in the end is that she'll love her children the same way. Because she'll know how to. What you've given will stay with her. She will pass it on. Unconditionally. All out. That's your gratification. That's why you do it.

So, invest. Don't cling back when she grabs you. Give her the hold she needs now, but work with her to get her own love going after. Reassure her she is worth being everything for herself.

P.S. - I only say she out of convenience here. Same goes for boys. They need immense loving. They'll have to father a family someday.

What would I tell my daughter about boys

I post this with Alissa in my mind, but for a 19 year old girl who just broke up with her first serious boyfriend. I remember that pain. I know nothing and no one helps, besides maybe blaming him for all of it.
My worst fear is my daughter repeating my mistakes with men, or worse, making mistakes I wouldn't make because she didn't know any better.
Every man in our lives matter.
They change us in an unimaginable way and leave a dent after a dent in our hearts.

Here is my compilation of my knowledge base. It won't make you smart with men, but it will give you a perspective.

A foreword... These are not articles on how to train a guy, or get the guy to do something you want.

These are the articles on how to change yourself to attract the right man in your life.
How to re-position your perspective to be able to see the right man and become the right woman for him.

Most importantly, all of this won't help if you won't do your own research. I'll repeat. Looking through these links will not help. Looking for information will.

Rori Raye's:
3 ways to make him fall for you
Could you be chasing him and not know it?
What to do if he is backing away
Get his attention fast even if he is ignoring you
How do you build trust and what does trust have to do with love anyway - the whole site. Read all of it. Just do it.
particular ones from that site that may not be in the main list:
Is casual sex harmless
men don't fall in love with perfect women
what is wife material

Matthew Hussey - dating and relationship coach:
 Would you date yourself?
3 Confident female mindsets that drive guys wild
 9 steps to get the guy

On breaking up...

“Being a bodhisattva means that when people come, don’t cut them off; when people go, don’t cut them off.”

 The laws of breaking up and getting over it

Take this list with a grain of salt...

18 relationship red flags
How to detect lies (yes, important part of being in a relationship)

I'll add this at the end, but really, it should be the first one, cause the self is what it's all about..

I'll be updating the list as I go, hope it's a good start.

All the love to you,


Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Seing the grace

I cherish grace. I notice it. I collect it.
In my mind. In my body. In my things. In my clothes. In my home. In my speech. In my relationships. In my moves. In my life.
I gather the pieces of it and I wedge each one in my memory.
I can always consciously go back to this collage.
It makes my life what it is and what I'm trying to make it. Graceful.
By no means am I trying to say that my life is all beautiful.
I have my moments and periods of fear, anxiety, anger, shame, guilt. I know these quite intimately.
I don't idealize that at some point, even at the end of my life it will all be clean and pretty.
It won't be. It isn't. And that's ok.
I forgive and accept myself and people around me for not always being beautiful.
But it makes me owe to see a moment of grace, a beautiful thing, a nobility and kindness in a person, and I make it a memory.
I make it a part of myself.
This is what makes me strive. I want to remember more of it.
It makes me go further to get more grace in my life. Daily.
I enjoy the beauty of the curves and lines of my body.
I love my beautiful kids. I keep their smiley squint of Yuri's eye in my head, short and long term memory. Alissa's walk. Her mouth falling off my nipple as she falls fast asleep.
I love seeing the caring affection of my parents, their faces.
I love watching my partner move. His stare at me.
I love the food. Not the junk, but the one that does good to your body, feeds and nourishes it. The colorful, fresh.
I love the sound of laughter, a groan of excitement, a quiet conversation that only makes sense to the two.
The feel of loving touch, a hug, a smoochy kiss, a stroke of hair.
Those are not shallow images.
Those are the grace in it`s manifestation.
The light of life.

Friday, 3 January 2014

On weaning

Alissa's second birthday passed. I had "the plan" to start weaning as soon as she is 2.

I'm heartbroken. I can't let go. This is just beyond me.
I heard all of it...  "you are STILL nursing??", "2 years is too long", "you are only doing it for you", "there is no benefit in your milk anymore", "she'll be clingy later", "you are too tired, it's time to cut her loose"... oh, and my favorite one "you are stalling her development"... I'm laughing to these... inside I know the truth. Not the books and research truth that is known as "knowledge". I know the truth that sits inside you day and night and nothing and no one can alter it because it's part of your essence. The truth is, we both benefit from it greatly to this day.

Yet I know there will come a day when we will need to wean. We. Both of us. The thought makes me teary.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready to not have the waves of relaxation and tiredness as soon as she latches. I'm not ready to not be able to look down and see the happy grin with a nipple in her mouth. I'm not ready to not see her eye lashes flutter as she falls asleep and calms down to deep silent breaths. I'm not ready to not feel the nipple sleeping out of her mouth as she drifts off and see that angelically beautiful, peaceful and satisfied face with half open mouth.
I'm not ready.

Sometimes I question if I'm being selfish and not letting her grow up. But then I look at her screaming
"Mama, AAAAMMM!" as soon as she sees me after a day at the daycare or right after she wakes up, and I KNOW. I just know that she needs it as much as I do. It's not just a play of the motherly hormones, it's a clear as bell motherly intuition.

And here I am, sitting with overflowing breasts, because I'm starting to skip the morning feedings... Because I had "the plan". I'm steering in the direction of weaning, hoping that my beliefs will somehow catch up to what I'm doing. I'm hoping that once she is only on one feeding, she'll be more prepared to quit all together. Will I be more ready then?

I do have self doubts. I am at the mercy of breastfeeding supplements to make up for critically low iron and calcium. Every feeding seems like a 50K marathon to my body. I don't wake up until I get to work and have my espresso. I usually start feeling "normal" around 11am after a routine tough night. I am tired beyond human threshold. I can't do laser hair removal
But I can't trade it for freedom and being rested just yet.
I'm not ready.