Friday, 3 January 2014

On weaning

Alissa's second birthday passed. I had "the plan" to start weaning as soon as she is 2.

I'm heartbroken. I can't let go. This is just beyond me.
I heard all of it...  "you are STILL nursing??", "2 years is too long", "you are only doing it for you", "there is no benefit in your milk anymore", "she'll be clingy later", "you are too tired, it's time to cut her loose"... oh, and my favorite one "you are stalling her development"... I'm laughing to these... inside I know the truth. Not the books and research truth that is known as "knowledge". I know the truth that sits inside you day and night and nothing and no one can alter it because it's part of your essence. The truth is, we both benefit from it greatly to this day.

Yet I know there will come a day when we will need to wean. We. Both of us. The thought makes me teary.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready to not have the waves of relaxation and tiredness as soon as she latches. I'm not ready to not be able to look down and see the happy grin with a nipple in her mouth. I'm not ready to not see her eye lashes flutter as she falls asleep and calms down to deep silent breaths. I'm not ready to not feel the nipple sleeping out of her mouth as she drifts off and see that angelically beautiful, peaceful and satisfied face with half open mouth.
I'm not ready.

Sometimes I question if I'm being selfish and not letting her grow up. But then I look at her screaming
"Mama, AAAAMMM!" as soon as she sees me after a day at the daycare or right after she wakes up, and I KNOW. I just know that she needs it as much as I do. It's not just a play of the motherly hormones, it's a clear as bell motherly intuition.

And here I am, sitting with overflowing breasts, because I'm starting to skip the morning feedings... Because I had "the plan". I'm steering in the direction of weaning, hoping that my beliefs will somehow catch up to what I'm doing. I'm hoping that once she is only on one feeding, she'll be more prepared to quit all together. Will I be more ready then?

I do have self doubts. I am at the mercy of breastfeeding supplements to make up for critically low iron and calcium. Every feeding seems like a 50K marathon to my body. I don't wake up until I get to work and have my espresso. I usually start feeling "normal" around 11am after a routine tough night. I am tired beyond human threshold. I can't do laser hair removal
But I can't trade it for freedom and being rested just yet.
I'm not ready.